Happy Easter

This arrived in the Inbox from my dear friend Scott….

 

I should probably add some witty riposte but can’t think of anything right now

The Bathtub Test

From the friend that I call Julie…..

Courtesy of Photobucket.com

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed
near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON  - OR DO YOU WANT THE

BED NEXT TO MINE?

When to retire…..

As soon as this happens........ retire with dignity.......

 

 I’m not there quite yet!!

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

This post is bought to you courtesy of the friend that I call Julie…. 

A new sign in the Bank  reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. 
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. 
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window. 
7. Drive off. 
************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(Unfortunately, most of this  is the Truth!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down. 
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card. 
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone. 
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake. 

Soooo Funny…

I spotted this on a friend’s Facebook posting, had to share it!!!

 

Could this be you…?

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.  She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.  In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. 

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.  As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.  She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.  She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. 

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.  The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.  And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.  The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.  He's dead. Show me what you bought……….

This came courtesy of the friend that I call Julie….

Another Gender Battle

An Inbox gem from Tracey....

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should beMasculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Friday Funny

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

Neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

Growing old

BARBIE DOLL has her 50th birthday this year.......

Tweety Bird is 60 years old!

And what about all our other .... CHILDHOOD SUPER HEROES?

Superman?

Thor

Wonder Woman (touch of menopause here I think?)

Batman and Robin

Spiderman

"Life is short, break the rules, forgive sooner, love with true love, laugh without control and always keep smiling.

Maybe life is not the party that we were expecting, but in the meantime, we're here and we can still dance....."

Growing old is not for wimps.....

Friday’s Foot

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds.
I could not believe this! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............

This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.
It is pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it!
You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the
day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Apples and grapes

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they take the apples from the ground that aren't so good but are easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, but in reality they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along the one who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree.

Now men - they are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to women to stomp on them until they turn into something to have dinner with.

Friday Fun – No Offence Intended

This one is courtesy of my shy and retiring friend and neighbour - Tracey!

OK be honest...how many of us REALLY ENJOY getting little angel love notes from every person in our address book? You know the ones with 'I love you so... here's an angel....... ' And like the cute wasn't bad enough, they then THREATEN you with bad luck if you don't send it on to others and back to them to prove you read the email and you love them too !!! and then you feel guilty if you don't and a sucker if you do...A vicious tactic! So here's my version:

Take the fairy dust:

Add it to one of those angels

And PHOOF!!!!.....

That's what I call an Angel....

Friday Funnies

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
'Dr Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:

'Yesterday's Meals on Wheels'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Store
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'

Wordless Wednesday

Let the pictures do the talking!!! Another belly laughing session - enjoy!

Witty Wednesday

A lazy post today – copied straight from the inbox – please feel free to laugh out loud, it's really good for you!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
   
   2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
   
   3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
   
   4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
   
   5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
   
   6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
   
   7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
   "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
   "Well, It's Not Unusual."
   
   8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
   "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
   
   9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
   
   10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
   
   11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
   
   12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
   
   The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
   
   13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
   
   14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
   
   15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
   
   16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
   
   17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
   "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
   "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
   
   18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
   
   19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
   
   20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
   
   21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
   

   
   

   I thank you !!!!!

Wedding Invitation

I hope you can read this....I promise that this is not something that I would ever do.....

And the photographer said 'Say Cheese'

Courtesy of the friend I call...

...Julie, and no - these are not our portraits!!

Oh, Elmo!!

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.


Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Typical Man

This was posted by my friend Charlie on his FB page - made me chuckle (especially when I read it in his Irish brogue!)

A man was drowning out at sea.

He called God save me.

Two men in a boat came along he said 'Go away God will save me'. Another boat came along he said 'Go away God will save me.'

Then a helicopter landed but he said go away God will save me.

He drowned and arrived at the gates of heaven.

Said to St Peter why did God not save me. Peter said 'For heavens sake He sent 2 boats and a bloody helicopter what else could he do?'

Why Boys Need Parents

For all you mothers of boys, grandmothers of boys and sisters of boys - please be aware that these photos contain some elements of surprise, I hope you're not easily offended. It's all intended as innocent humour.